Rejection and Belonging: Two Sides of the Same Coin

You know that feeling when you get turned down for a job, lose a client, or a candidate takes another job over the one you have offered them? A relationship ends, or you feel excluded from a social group or didn’t get picked for the sports team. Even if this happens to someone close to you, you can feel like it happened to you.

Meet rejection. We feel it in all these situations, and it can wield an incredible, even debilitating, force over us.

Avoidance was key to survival

The need to belong is deeply wired into us, and our strong desire to avoid rejection comes from the same tribal times. However, its hold on us comes from the deadly consequences of not fitting in several thousand years ago.

Those ousted from the tribe with only a wooden spear to wave from spindly arms attached to a comparatively slow human would be no match for the natural predators of the woolly mammoth and sabre-tooth tiger. It quickly became apparent to those who remained that survival at the individual and entire species levels would only be possible by sticking together, which meant avoiding rejection at all costs.

And here we are—the evolved modern executive resplendent in a designer business outfit, still wired to fear rejection and now equipped with a vivid imagination to reimagine events and reassign meaning and the amazing ability to catastrophise in almost every situation. This allows us to go from a simple ‘rejection letter’ (inspired naming convention) to spiral down into ‘I am not good enough’ and feel like an imposter.

Left unchecked over time, these thoughts can create deep feelings of shame beneath the shiny suit exterior, just waiting to be triggered and unleash a rage of emotions.

The pain of rejection

Research shows that the brain processes rejection similarly to physical pain. This visceral reaction is not just fleeting discomfort; it can lead to a cascade of negative emotions such as sadness, anger, and shame. Shame is one of the most powerful emotions; it’s a feeling that can trigger rage—not anger, but the uncontrollable and often unexplainable rage that comes from a deep wound that, when stumbled upon, unlocks a whole world of pain.

All because one of our tribal ancestors didn’t fit into the tribe and was eaten by a Sabre Tooth tiger. And we blame social media for causing issues!

This basis on which our species came to be has given us the warm and fuzzy feeling of belonging and the dark and terrifying feeling of rejection. They are two sides of the same coin—a coin we have flipped every day of our lives, shaping how we show up in every moment today.

The shame of standing out

So let me tell you about the Roman Soldier or my worst experience with fancy dress and the shame of standing out.

The annual town festival stretched over a weekend, and it was the highlight of the year for Mum, who wanted to partake in every part of it, including the kids' fancy dress competition, which was held on the bandstand in the middle of a giant park. Our small English town still had visible signs of its Roman past, so the theme for this particular year was the Roman Empire.

A single parent working two jobs, she made every element of my costume from everyday household items—the ultimate upcycling, even if I wished they had been recycled via the bin. She had a fancy sewing machine and was a competent operator, but despite this, the old curtains festooned into a cape did not look like the red velvet I had seen in Gladiator. It was an unfolding disaster for a young and impressionable boy.

She was proud; I was horrified but put on a brave face and did my best to walk in the cardboard body armour and heavy curtain cape. The sniggers started long before we reached the steps; the judges didn’t get a chance to pass judgment; the crowd of six-year-old polished Roman warriors with vintage swords and metal shields were way ahead of them. Fight or flight? I had no chance in battle, so leg-it was my only option, except that the curtain (cape) entangled my legs, and I went flying down the stairs, landing in a crumpled cardboard heap. I was crushed, as was my costume.

The cruel ridicule of young kids, the feeling of rejection for not being good enough to take part and be judged (oh, another irony), and the absolute shame of the whole experience create a lasting impression; trying to stand out is risky; it is safer to just blend in and disappear.

But is it?

The two forces of belonging and rejection can combine to make fitting in feel like the preferred and safest option in many situations. By avoiding standing out, hiding who we are and adopting superficial identities to fit in and avoid rejection, we build walls that make it hard for others to get to know us properly. This erodes trust and deprives us of the genuine connection and belonging we so deeply crave.

Showing up on purpose is the cornerstone of true belonging. When we embrace our true selves, we invite others to do the same, fostering an environment where trust and meaningful relationships flourish.

If you'd like to learn more about the Fitting in Standing Out Keynote, the workshops that support this content, and my next book, just say hello and let’s chat.